The Sound Barrier

April is both child abuse prevention month and sexual assault awareness month. Unfortunately there are times when these two overlap. The National Association of Adult Survivors of Child Abuse has done studies showing 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys are molested before they are 18. However, since their numbers are only those cases reported—and they speculate that somewhere between two-thirds to 90% of victims never speak out—those statistics could be much higher. This has led to a break the silence campaign for survivors of child abuse, but I want to address what I’m calling “the sound barrier.”

You see, as a survivor of child abuse myself, I know how incredibly hard it can be to get those words out. My memories of being molested go so far back that I cannot remember a time before them. Even in kindergarten, I had the feeling I could not make friends easily because I was broken. My abuse made me feel as though I was less deserving of care, and less likely to let people in to see who I was. I walked through life often disconnected from others. I’ve heard it said that one’s experiences from birth to 10 years old forms a person’s internal legal system. When the vast majority of that person’s memories are negative that becomes a difficult pattern to break, yet many are able to do just that. Survivors become skilled at disconnecting from their experiences and emotions to the point that they grow past them and it seems like it was a different person. The level of complex mental safeguards that enable someone who grew up in the worst of circumstances to live as a thriving adult are next to miraculous. This leads me back to the idea of a sound barrier. To have someone get to the point where they are ready to break the silence means they will need to affect the order of those safeguards. However, there is no singular reaction for someone facing this task. Everyone’s journey is different.

“Use all your skill to put me together; I wait to see your finished product.” Psalms 25:21 The Message

My husband was vaguely aware that I had an abusive childhood. However, we were married for 22 years before I was able to tell him that I had been sexually molested often as a child. With that I began the process of unpacking those hurts. Sometimes it was with neutrality, other times with apprehension, and still other times a memory would hit without warning and panic would grip me. Once those guards come down it is difficult to control your reactions. It is a journey of healing through pain; being reforged in the fire. It is not an easy process, and that is why many choose not to disturb the safeguards that have held them together for so long. The words of confession come up against the sound barrier holding everything in place and do not penetrate it.

What also held my tongue for so long was my need to protect, and not just myself. Oftentimes a person’s abuser is someone close to them. My first abuser was my oldest brother. He was my most prevalent sibling and my mother’s favorite. He’d sneak into my room at night and violate me while everyone slept. Yet even after he passed away I felt speaking out would tarnish the memory of him. My other abuser was my mother in many forms and felt more sinister to child me. I remember as a little girl wanting to do anything to make her happy, but eventually I learned I would never be enough. That was confirmed by her own words when my brother passed and she told me she loved him more than she could ever love me. I don’t know where the devotion to protect the abuser comes from, but once I broke the sound barrier for myself that burden was graciously lifted. I do not wish them ill, but it is not on me to sacrifice my mental health to keep them safe from their own actions.

With statistics as astronomical as the ones presented by the NAASCA’s research, the truth is that there are people in the church congregation that struggle with this secret shame. It’s been projected that every third person sitting in a sanctuary is a survivor of childhood abuse. If you think about the fact that they know their abuser then the perpetuator may likely be sitting there as well. My mother was also a survivor of childhood abuse. Some continue the cycle while others break it. I was blessed to have a Good Shephard who saved His lost sheep. I had more love from my Heavenly Father than my earthly parents were able to afford me. He strengthened me to be able to turn the tide of my life towards a brighter future. Now He calls me to the purpose He raised me to fulfill. I am one who can give a voice to those whose words still get caught by the sound barrier. While my survivor instincts tell me to not be vulnerable, I pour out my words and my heart for those who are not ready for their safeguards to come down. I will encourage and lift up anyone who still feels bound to the memories of a broken past, and God willing guide them to the light of healing

“Those who have insight will shine like the bright expanse of the heavens, and those who lead many to righteousness, like the stars forever and ever.” Daniel 12:3 CSB